Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
