It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
