I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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