How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Text me some of your sweat
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
