i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
