Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
operation have a gay friend backfired
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
