WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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