Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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