The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize