Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
