im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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