Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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