i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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