I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
