If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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