people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
