I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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