i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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