we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh god it's open bar.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
