We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
