Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
