my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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