So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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