Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im holly from the hills drunk
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
