i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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