I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
