I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
