i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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