Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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