I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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