this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
