Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
