Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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