Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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