Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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