ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
