ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
