My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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