I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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