I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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