highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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