So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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