I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
