shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
