Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
