no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
