i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
