Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
