Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
where are you?
Hypothermia
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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