he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
