Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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