my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
