I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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