"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
