Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
