Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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