it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
