The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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